Loving Yourself
If I had been asked this question ten years ago, the answer would have been "Forever". It had never occurred to me that I needed to love myself, let alone that I should. I must admit, I have always been a little different. When I was younger, I was always very skinny, because I had a very fast metabolism. I wore make up in a way others did not. My sense of fashion was never the trend. This caused me to be bullied in school, and made fun of, but it did not make me change who I was. One thing I have always known with 100% certainty, is that I am who I am meant to be. I never wanted to be bullied or made fun of, but I was raised never to lie, so I continued doing those things even though others put me down for it. While I had (and still have) and amazing, loving family, I listened too much to what others said to, or about me. It did not matter how many times I heard from my mother that I was beautiful and smart and funny, because for every one nice thing she said about me, I heard twice as many bad things from kids at school. I believe that when someone is told the same thing about themselves so many times by multiple people, they start to believe it, especially when they care what other people think.
By the time I was 16, I had started believing that I was ugly, stupid, and unworthy of living or being happy. I thought I did not deserve love, and that nothing good would ever happen in my life. I got into an abusive relationship, and thought it was what I deserved. When I finally decided I wanted to get out of the relationship and thought maybe I deserved better, he made it feel impossible. He threatened my family, and my life. After a year and a half of this relationship, he went to jail, and I got the opportunity to move to California (across the country from where I was living in Pennsylvania at the time). I thought that was my chance to start over. I thought maybe now I deserved better and I could find that in California. However, when I got to California, the thoughts I had of myself were still negative, making it difficult for me to find people that would treat me the way I wanted to be treated.
Not long after moving there, I met a man that gave me so much more than I ever thought I deserved. He was an amazing friend, and turned out to eventually become my husband. Even with how great he treated me, I still did not believe I was worthy of it. We had two children together before getting a separation. At the time, I thought the biggest problem we had was that we disagreed on lifestyles and how to raise the children. It was not until we had been separated for many years that I finally realized..... WE were not the problem. I was the problem.
I was feeling unloved, but not because HE was not loving me...... It was because I was not loving me! Luckily, we were able to stay very close friends, which has been great for the two of us, AND for the kids. 😊 After we split up, I went through a series of relationships before finally taking some time for myself. I have now been in a great relationship for the past two years. We have our ups and downs like any other relationship, but we always push through. I have learned over the past 10 years that you do not need the acceptance of others to be able to love yourself! So, based on my own experiences, and a little help from some others, I have put together two lists to help you learn how to love yourself!
9 Things you should STOP doing, because they are keeping you from fully loving yourself:
1. Trying to please everyone around you.
You have to bring yourself to the realization that it is improbable that you will ever be able to make everyone in your life happy, no matter how hard you try. So many people (to include myself at times) will put so much time and effort into trying to make everyone around them happy, not realizing they are wearing themselves down in the process. That is not to say that you should never try to do things to make others happy, but you have to make sure that whatever you are doing is going to be what is best for you (and your family if you have one). Some people may see it as selfish, but you can do what is best for you, and still help others! You just have to find a happy medium.
2. Metathesiophobia
The fear of
change is a real phobia, that can be a real problem! As a young adult, when things in my life did not go the way I had planned them, I panicked. I would melt down, get angry, yell, cry, and my mind would tell me that everything in the world is wrong because one small thing was not the way it was planned. I was scared of change, and it was holding me back. I am not sure where in my life I got it stuck in my head that change was bad, but losing that phobia has made me realize how great change can really be. It is still difficult, but without the irrational fear in my head, it makes change so much easier to deal with. If you really think about it, most fears are irrational. Ask yourself, what are you afraid of? Think of all of the things you are scared of, and then ask yourself how many of those things SHOULD you be afraid of? I think Will Smith explains why most fears are so irrational in this YouTube video on fear.... If this is something you struggle with, watch this video!
Will Smith on Fear
3. Living in the past
This is something I struggled with for a very long time. Even now I have problems with it from time to time. Every morning (or evening depending on your schedule) when you wake up, you start a new day. Your body is the same, and you have the same heart and mind, and you have all the memories from your past, but, you are starting new. Do not let each day bleed into each other. No matter what happened the day before, you can make the new day a better day! There is an old saying, "Forgive and forget," but I believe it should be "Forgive and NEVER forget!" It takes so much energy to hate someone (that includes yourself), or to be angry about a situation (especially once the situation has resolved itself or passed by). So yes.... "forgive," or move on, or work past it, but rather than forgetting it after that, use it as a learning experience. Do not ever forget the things from your past, because one day you will realize that no matter how good or bad that thing, or person, was....it helped shape you into what you are today.
4. Putting yourself down
If you are anything like me, you know what it is like to have others constantly putting you down. With the amount of people that you will come into your life and try to make you feel like you are less than what you are, do you really need one more person (yourself) putting you down and making you feel bad just for being who you are?? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Self encouragement and self motivation are very important factors in learning how to love yourself! No matter what others say, no matter how many flaws someone else may point out in you, find the positive things about yourself. Remind yourself daily that you ARE worth it, instead of telling yourself that you are not.
5. Overthinking
How often do you find yourself in this situation: Someone calls and says "Hey, I really need to talk to you about something. Can we get together soon?" So you make a plan to get together in a couple days. They did not mention what it was they wanted to talk about, and now you are sitting there wondering what it could possibly be. It starts out small, but usually a bad scenario, then you start playing the "worst case scenario game" in your head (a game from the show This Is Us), and by the time you get to the meeting, you have come up with every worst case scenario you can think of! You walk inside nervous thinking this person is about to tell you the worst thing you could ever hear....... And they say something like "So I just found out I am pregnant, and I want you to be the God Parent!!??" .....😲 .... 😌 you let out a huge sigh of relief, and have a great meeting.
But you just spent two days sick to your stomach thinking the worst, when you did not need to. Everything is going to happen the way it is meant to happen, no matter how much you think or worry about it. So the next time you are sitting around overthinking a situation, remember that no matter how much you overthink it, the result will be the same.... and wouldn't it just be so much better if you spent that time being productive, instead of thinking about something that has not even happened yet?
6. Avoiding the silver lining
For every negative thing that happens in life, there is a positive outcome. It is inevitable that bad things are going to happen. It is just part of life. How do you usually respond to negative things happening?? Do you cry? Do you yell? Do you break down, and take out your frustration on everyone else????? I used to. Sometimes, I still do... But what if instead of getting upset, and focusing on the negative thing that happened, you sit down and think about the situation thoroughly. Think about the situation from every aspect, until you find the silver lining. Sometimes, it takes time to figure out what good thing came from a specific bad situation, but even if you sit and think about all of the bad things that have happened in the past, and then remember what good came from them, it will help you remember that although times can be tough, they will always turn out for the better. You just need to find the positive side of it.
7. Stop looking to others for validation
I think this one is pretty self explanatory. Think about how often you let the things other people say affect your mood, or sway your decision. Has that ever ended well for you? It is good to ask for advice sometimes, or seek out help for making decisions in certain situations, but you should not let everything that other people say affect the way you live. This is another area I have struggled with in the past. I believed most of what was said to me about myself, even though deep down I knew it was a lie. Too many times I let what others say make me feel bad about myself, and I ruined great days and great experiences by doing so. It was not until I realized that not everyone is saying things to upset me that I was able to stop letting things get to me. Sometimes the things people said to me that made me feel bad were just meant as silly jokes that I took literally. Sometimes they said things out of honesty and I could not see that it was just constructive criticism. Now, when someone says something that would have hurt my feelings or upset me in the past, I figure out why it was said, and use it to better myself.
8. Stop waiting for "the right time"
I hear it all the time.... "I am just waiting for the right time to .....", or "It is just not the right time for me to be.....". When is the right time?? When you have more money? When you have kids? When you have a family? When you have a better job? When you have ....... the list goes on forever right?
Have you ever read the book "If you give a mouse a cookie"? It is a children's book about a mouse that originally asks for a cookie, but once he has the cookie, he wants milk, and once he gets the milk, he wants something else, and so on and so forth until he has a list of things, but all he really wanted was the cookie. After going through the series of things he asks for, he goes back to wanting the cookie. If you are always waiting for the next best thing, and searching for something new before you ever get what you originally wanted, and make excuses for why you cannot achieve your goals, you will spend your life wanting. If you want a cookie, just go get a cookie. 😉
9. Stop caring more about what is on the outside, than on the inside
The old saying goes "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". As true as that is, one thing most people fail to realize is that beauty is not just about what is on the outside. Real, true beauty comes from within. It does not matter what clothes you wear, how you wear your hair, or what your physical features look like. The only thing that matters when it comes to beauty, is who you are on the inside. Some of the most physically attractive people look ugly if they are not kind to people, and people who may not be as physically attractive (as per societies standards), can be the most beautiful people in the world, just because they have a positive, happy personality. It does not matter who you are, regardless of what you look like, the one thing people are going to remember most about you is your personality.
9 Things you should start doing to help you learn to love yourself fully:
1. Meditation
Reflection is a great way to find your strengths and weaknesses. I will admit one of my biggest weaknesses is my lack of concentration, so the first time I was ever told I should meditate, I thought "there is no way I can do that! I will lose focus before I even start!", but I tried it anyway, and it was probably one of the best things I have ever done for myself. This is a great way to get a few minutes of quiet time in. It helps relax your mind and your body making you less anxious and stressed out. Some people are able to do this in a quiet place, in complete silence. I on the other hand, highly dislike complete silence! So I started a playlist on YouTube of some nice relaxing meditation videos. Some of them are videos that teach you how to meditate, some are quiet with a soft voice telling you where to go in your head, and some are just quiet music. If you would like to try it out, I suggest starting here.
2. Me time
This one is very important. A lot of people do not realize how important it is to take some time to yourself! The amount of time, and how often, depends on how busy and hectic your life is. It can be as little as taking five minutes in the morning before the rest of the household gets up to sit and read a devotional, or as much as taking a weekend away to go exploring in a new city by yourself without any communications with the "real world". Sometimes finding the best way to spend your me time, or how often you should be doing this can be difficult, but you can always start small and work your way up until you find what works best for you. Most days I like to wake up before anyone else in the house and listen to music and have my breakfast alone. That may be the only quiet time I get during the day, but it starts my day out just right and ensures that I will start my day with a positive attitude.
3. Realize that NO ONE is perfect
Everyone has flaws. It is just part of being human. Material things are also flawed, even if they seem "perfect". So why is the word perfect even a word?? Well, while no one can be completely flawless, they can still be exactly the way they want to be, or, exactly the way someone else likes them. When someone says to you "You are perfect, just the way you are" they are not saying that you are flawless, they are saying that they love you for who you are, and they do not want you to change. No, you are not perfect, or completely flawless, but you are the best version of yourself. You do not have to stop there though. 😊 As I said, you are still not perfect.
I used to ask the question, "If practice makes perfect, but there is no such thing as perfect, then why practice?" It took me a long time to come up with an answer to that one, but I think I finally found it! Although you can never reach actual perfection, you can ALWAYS be better. Striving for "perfection" will continue to bring you to even better versions of yourself, and it will keep you from going backwards in your life.
4. Forgive yourself (but do not forget)
We all make mistakes sometimes. As I said above, no one is perfect. Sometimes you are going to do things that you should not do, you are going to hurt others (whether it is on purpose or by accident), you are going to do things that cause you to have other problems, and you are going to make mistakes. Yes, it sucks that making mistakes in real life is not like on paper, or on a computer. You cannot just erase it, or hit the undo button. You have just deal with it and move on. Some mistakes may be worse than others, but no matter how big or small the mistake is, you cannot hold on to it forever.
Have you ever heard someone say "Forgive and forget"? Well, that is only half right. Forgiveness is important. Holding onto it can hurt you mentally and emotionally. It can put hatred in your heart, and make turn away from things you otherwise may not have turned away from. However, you should never forget! Whether you are forgiving yourself, or forgiving others, you should never forget what you are forgiving. Mistakes are the best way to learn, helping you get to the best version of yourself. You learn from them, and move on.
5. Figure out who you are on your own
When was the last time someone asked "Who are you?". Have you ever really thought about that question, but in a sense of more than just your name? Most of us when asked who we are will respond with our name, and sometimes a title, such as a doctor, lawyer, or teacher. Is that really who you are though?? Look deep inside of you, and really think about WHO you really are. You may even find that looking at who you are makes you realize that you are not who you are supposed to be. If that is the case, start trying to figure out who you want to be, so you can work toward that!
6. Feel good about what is on the outside
It sounds a little contradicting of what I said in the list above, I know, but hear me out. How do you feel about your outside appearance? Do not ask someone else what they think, or look up online what society thinks..... Go take a look in the mirror (after you finishing reading this post of course 😉) and think about how YOU feel about your own outward appearance. Do you like the way you look? If so, GREAT! You are already ahead of the game. If you like the way you look without anyone else's opinion making you feel different, then you are already on the right track. However, if you look at yourself and think, "I wish my hair was different" or "I should really do something different with my makeup", then you need to make the decision to do what you need to do to like what you look like. Beauty comes from within, and no matter what you think about yourself, others will see it differently, but if you like the way you look on the outside, you will be much more confident and that will help others see you in a completely different light.
7. Use other's negativity against them
When someone tries to tell you that you are something you know you are not, instead of letting it get to you and upset you, push back. Show yourself that you are better than that. Do not do it to prove them wrong, do it to prove yourself right. Do not ever let anyone else have the satisfaction of thinking they were the reason you did something. If you can do it, and you can, then you had it in you from the beginning. Sometimes you just need a little push, and what better way to get that push than to make the decision to better yourself for the sake of trying to be the best version of you!
8. Keep positive company
Have you ever been in a situation where you are in a room full of people and everyone seems like they are being negative? They are all in a bad mood, or upset, or just generally not positive people. It makes you feel negative right? It puts you in a bad mood and makes you feel bad when there is nothing wrong. So why not do the opposite? Surround yourself with positivity, and you will feel positive. Other ways to stay positive without company are writing sticky notes with motivational quotes, or kind words for yourself and placing them around the house or in the car, to see as you go about your day to remind yourself that you are a good person. You can also start a thankfulness journal. Find a journal, and every morning before starting your day, write down all the things you are thankful for. This will help remind you of all the things you have that others may not, and be thankful that you are alive to experience these things. Also remember that happiness is not JUST a feeling, it is a choice. Choose Happy.
9. Be proud of you
You know that feeling you get in your heart when someone tells you they are proud of you? You can have that feeling any time you want! You just have to remember that you are doing the best you can, and be proud that you got out of bed this morning and chose to live! Even if you do nothing else, be proud of yourself for that. Do not wait for someone else to be proud of you, you can do that all on your own!
The first time someone asked me who I really am, not just my name, but the real me, I spent a decent amount of time thinking on it. This is what I came up with....
I am brave, strong, independent, silly, funny, smart, proud... I am a mother, a student, a daughter, a friend, a significant other....
I care too much, I love too much, and I give too much.... BUT, This is me.
I think Keala Settle says it best in her song This Is Me when she say
"Look out cause here I come, And I'm marching on to the beat I drum.....
I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be....
THIS IS ME!"
Stop following the beat of everyone else's drum... and start marching to the beat of your own!
So I'll leave you with these few questions, and hopefully now you can truly answer them the way it should be answered, and use the answers to find a way to fully love yourself...... Who are you? Where do you rank in your list of loved ones? If you are not number one on your list, what do you need to do to get there?....
