I Will See You Again

     At age seven, I went to my first funeral.  I do not remember the date, or the exact location, but I do remember I loved my Uncle Ed very much, and I hated watching him lay in bed for so long, living out his last days watching the world around him without being able to participate.  I learned the sad horrible truth about cancer the day he died.  At such a young age, it was hard to fully understand what was happening. I do not remember if I went up to the coffin to see him one last time before he was buried, but what I do remember is sitting in chairs while people talked about my Great uncle.  I cannot remember exactly what was said, but I do remember my cousin's beautiful voice as she sang "Psalm 23".  I fell in love with the song.  I am sure between age seven and age fifteen there were other deaths, but I do not remember them all.  January 5, 2002, the day of my fifteenth birthday, I was told that a friend of mine had passed away.  I never told him I loved him.  I never said goodbye.  To be honest, I was not always very kind to him.  I was heartbroken.  Exactly one year later, my grandpap passed away.  I was a day from my sweet sixteen.  Everyone told me that he was going to be leaving us soon, and that I needed to go to the hospital to save my goodbyes.  At some point, I had overheard someone say, "He is just waiting to say goodbye to everyone before he goes."  In my head, if I did not say goodbye, he would not leave.  Somewhere deep down, I knew that was not true, but I was not ready to say goodbye forever to someone I loved so very much.  The night before my birthday I finally agreed to go.  As I walked into the hospital room I realized this was it.  This was the last time I would ever see my grandfather.  The very next morning, we got the call that he was gone.  At his funeral, the 23rd Psalm was recited.  This bible story had such a significant meaning in my life after this.  Since then, I have lost many family and friends.  My great grandmother passed away when my son was six and my daughter was seven.  They had become very close to her and it was a very difficult time for all of us.  I hated that like me, my children had lost someone they loved at such a young age.  This made it even more difficult for me, because although I knew what it was like to lose someone I love, I did not know what it was like to try to explain to a child that they will never see someone they cared so deeply for again.  We lose people everyday for many different reasons.  Sometimes it is from old age, or an accident; and other times, sadly, it is that they take their own lives.  It is always a difficult thing to deal with, and although you would think with time it would get easier, it does not.  If anything, it gets much harder.  However, losing someone does not mean you have to lose yourself.  There are many, healthy ways to cope with the loss of a loved one. 
     Do not be afraid to show your emotions. Everyone has emotions.  We do not always know how to process them, or how to let them out, but they are always there.  Losing a loved one is a very sad thing, no matter the reason for the death.  I lost a friend a year ago, who I had some mutual friends with.  One friend in particular was much closer with him than anyone knew.  His death hurt her in a way that not even I could fully comprehend.  She had a very difficult time dealing with it, and although I tried my hardest to be there for her, nothing could ever take away the pain she was feeling.  She worked as a server at a local restaurant where our friend was a regular, and had made friends with a lot of the other regulars and staff.  A few days after his death, she called me upset that her boss had told her she "had no right to be upset about his death," because she had not known him as long as her boss and some of the other staff.  This, of course, upset her even more.  I was livid at this statement.  In any situation, if you lose someone you love, whether you knew them for a day or fifty years, you always have a right to be sad when you lose someone.  When celebrities pass away, their fans are sad.  Not every fan of that celebrity knew them personally, but it is a sad thing when someone passes.  Do not ever let anyone tell you that you are not allowed to show your emotions in a time of mourning.
     Do not push friends and family away.  Just because you lost someone you care about, does not mean that you have lost everyone that cares about you.  When you lose someone, the people who care about you want to be there for you.  Sometimes it may seem overbearing and hard to deal with, but do not make them feel like you do not need them, because even if at the time you do not think you do, at some point you will.  If you are not ready to see anyone, let them know that when you are ready, you will tell them.  Be careful how you speak to others during your mourning time.  Just because you have lost someone and are hurting, does not mean that other people lives and emotions should no longer matter.  No one can know exactly how you are feeling, but they can still help you through the tough time if you let them.  If someone wants to be there for you, let them.  Last year when I found out that my friend had passed away, I had two friends at my house visiting.  I was so scared to talk to them about it because I did not want to hear the, "I know how you feel," or the, "I am so sorry. Are you okay?"  It did not take me long to realize I needed these friends to be there for me.  Having my friends there to hold my hand and remind me that I would pull through helped me so much more than I thought it ever could.  It definitely took time, but I felt so much better knowing that even thought I had lost someone I cared about, I still had so many people that cared about me. 
     Do not turn to a crutch.  When people lose someone they love, a lot of times they will turn to something they shouldn't to aid them in healing their heart.  Things such as drugs and alcohol are not a good idea in such a hard time.  You may think, "If I can just get drunk enough," or, "If I can just get high enough," that will fix it.  Putting yourself in an altered state of mind will not bring your loved one back.  It will not make the pain in your heart go away.  What it will do is numb you for a short amount of time so you forget that you are in pain, but when you sober, the pain will still be there, and until you deal with it properly, it will never go away.  If you are thinking that is the only way to go, call someone.  Get ahold of a friend and ask them to come play some board games or take a walk.  Find something to take your mind off of it until you are ready to deal with it, without altering your mind with substances that could land you in an even worse place.
     Find a hobby.  Everyone has some kind of talent, we just do not always know what it is.  Find something you love to do and do it.  You do not even have to be good at it.  I love to sing and dance.  When I am feeling down because I have lost someone, or I am thinking about someone I lost and need to get out of my head, I blast my music and sing along while I dance through the house.  (A good song in this situation for singing is "I Will See You Again" by Carrie Underwood)  It may sound, and sometimes even look, a little silly, but it puts a smile in my heart and makes me feel so much better.  This is another place that letting others in can be helpful.  If you do not already have a hobby, ask a friend to help you find something you may enjoy.  This does not have to be just part of the mourning process either.  If you truly enjoy it, continue to do it even after you are feeling better to keep your spirits up.
     Celebrate Life.  It can be difficult to remember all of the good when such a horrible thing has happened, but it is better to remember your loved ones life and the happy times you had than it is to mourn the fact that they are no longer here.  When you think about them, think about all of the good they brought to the world.  How did you meet?  What kind of things did you enjoy together?  What was it about them that made you care for them so deeply?  When I think about the loved ones I have lost, it can be sad because I know I will never see them again, but when I think of them I remember laughing about that silly inside joke we had that no one understood.  I remember the beautiful tea parties I had with my great grandmother.  I remember the party I took Jesse to that he laughed and told everyone the story about how I had a friend drag him from the car to the house because he was not awake enough to get out of the car on his own.  I remember Jake coming to my house to make check on me and see if I was feeling any better when I had a cold.  I remember my Grandpa Jim sitting in his chair with his little puppy laughing with us about all the silly things we did when we were younger.  I remember that even though they are no longer here, I am; and I still have so much to live for.  I have so many more memories to make with the people in my life who love me, so that one day when I too pass away, they will remember that I always remembered the good times and I do not want them to be sad that I am gone, but to remember the good times we had, and be happy that I lived a happy life.
     Talk to someone.  When you are emotional, it is not always easy to get your words out.  Keeping your emotions bottled up when you are trying to heal your heart can become toxic.  If you feel comfortable talking to a family member or a friend, call someone and tell them how you are feeling.  If you need to talk to someone that you are not as close to, consider calling a therapist and setting up an appointment, or find a celebrate recovery in your area ("celebrate recovery is a Christ-based approach to recovery that was a response to the twelve step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous." It is for people who need to heal their hearts from many things, as opposed to just addiction.)  There are special counselors that you can talk to if you, and websites that can help connect you with someone who can help with these kind of things. 
     Be patient.  Healing your heart, especially from such an inconsolable thing, can take a lot of time.  Just as everyone heals differently, the healing time can differ.  It may seem like you will never heal from the pain and the heart ache, but you will in time.  You will never forget your loved one, but the pain will subdue with time and you will be able to move on.  The key to being patient, is to find one or more of the coping ideas listed above that work for you.  Keep yourself busy enough to remember you still have a life to live, but not so busy that you forget you still have healing to be done. 
    
     Life is not always fair, and it is certainly not always easy, but when you feel like giving up, start naming all of the reasons you have to continue living and be happy.  Always remember that your life does not end just because you lose someone you love.

I will see you again-Carrie Underwood